Crazy times

You know how Robert Scheinfeld says that, when you enter Phase 2, you can expect things to go haywire? Well, that's how things feel for me right now.

There is a lot of stuff happening in my life that, in Phase 1 terms, would be called good, in fact very, very good. Conversely, there also are developments that, if I was to view them through a Phase 1 lens, I would describe as challenging.

It feels like a roller coaster ride. How I could distill it into a blog post, I haven't a clue. If I get through this tumultuous period, I may be able to share an account of it after the fact. But at the moment it is beyond me to blog about my life.

I just wanted you to know out there in the blogosphere, in case you were wondering, that I do recall that I created this blog. But at this stage the "adventure" does not feel as if it lends itself to blogging.

'Fessing up

In his November 2009 "Discourse" for the Phase 2 Players Community, Robert Scheinfeld talked about Phase 2 Players who were aware of the Busting Loose Model, who understood it in theory, but who had not yet bust loose. I believe I fall into that category. That is in contrast to what I claimed in my blog post entitled I bust loose. Woo hoo!

As Robert said in his Discourse, Phase 2 Players often experience a certain amount of euphoria just from their awareness of the Busting Loose Model. Actually reaching the busting loose point, however, typically takes time.

In the Woo hoo! blog entry, I claimed to have bust loose from the Relationships Game. Well ... ummm ... hmmm ... maybe I haven't bust loose from the Relationships Game after all. In the interim I have encountered a few little bumps on the road, and my feelings about them have not always been those of an enlightened being.

But, with that having been said, I am finding that even an intellectual understanding of the Busting Loose Model does feel helpful to me. I have faith in the wisdom of my Expanded Self. Therefore the version of me that is the Player in the Earth Amusement Park can relax more than she historically was able to do.

I'm sharing this updated assessment of my progress in case it helps to reassure those of you who are waiting and waiting and waiting to bust loose. I don't want to pose as something I'm not.

Inside Passage

The three-and-a-half days that I spent in the Inside Passage workshop were very profound for me.

The workshop was about forgiveness and finding my authentic self.

FORGIVENESS

In previous workshops, journal writing and other interior work, I already had gone a long way towards resolving issues with my parents. The relationship that still required some closure, it seemed to me, was the one with my ex husband. So that was the one on which I focused during Inside Passage.

Although I did the workshop exercises with my ex husband in mind, I emerged with a sense of forgiveness towards myself. Because of my adherence to the Busting Loose Model, I already had come to believe, at an intellectual level at least, that I had done nothing "wrong" and that there was no reason for guilt. But it was one thing to believe that in my head, as I previously had done, and it was another thing to accept it in my heart, as I came to do during the workshop. This time I really, really "got" it.

The distinction between head and heart is a spurious concept according to the Busting Loose Model. The entire earthly construct is an illusion, so apparent divisions also are illusions. However, when we humans devised language, we did so in order to discuss our Phase 1 universe. Therefore it can be very challenging to find language that is adequate to the task of discussing our lives in Phase 2.

Suffice it to say, I emerged from the workshop feeling several pounds lighter. Although the illusion that I call my body no doubt remained unchanged, my subjective perception was that I had shed a burden. That "weight" had been a sort of vague, unnamed sense of guilt. It had created a type of static, a background noise in my life, if you will.

The spell that my father cast on me and the worst "harm" that I did to my husband, which was to marry him in the first place, were related to each other. What I have come to see, at the age of 57, is that I enrolled my husband in dumbing me down. What I mean is that I deliberately chose a domineering life partner because he would squelch my ambition to accomplish feats on my own behalf. That, in turn, would keep me safe from my father, who was threatened by smart family members. (If you don't know my story about my dad and if you think it would help you to make sense of this current blog entry, you can find my account in this previous blog entry.)

In one sense I could claim not to have been aware of that when I married at the age of 21. Indeed, there were many levels on which I was oblivious to the dynamics. At the time of our marriage, I believed myself to be in love with my husband.

But, when I look back on it, I feel that I ignored warning signs. I was like Blue Beard's bride who was captivated by his magnificent horse and livery and who ignored the blueness of his beard.

So I did my husband a great disservice by marrying him. In Phase 1 terms, I was the wrong woman for him. (But, in Phase 2 terms, we were just right for each other, because we helped each other to lock in the Phase 1 Miracle, which was to convince ourselves that we were the opposite of the powerful beings that we really were.)

My initial "wrong" towards my husband led to a 35-year series of other wrongs. While he was the aggressive aggressive partner, I usually was the passive aggressive one (but sometimes aggressive aggressive too). I'm sure it must have been just as much hell for him to be married to me as it was for me to be married to him.

There also is the aftermath of our marriage. Now that we're separated, we miss each other terribly, even if we recognize that we're wrong for each other. I think that, of the two of us, my husband suffers from loneliness more than I do. Although they are not enough to fill the void entirely, I do have a lot of distractions in the form of the new life that I've created in Nanaimo, my cohousing community, the new friends I've made, and the workshops in which I've participated.

So those were the "sins" for which I forgave myself during the workshop. They were my marrying him, my passive aggressive behaviour towards him while we were married, and the painful fallout from the end of our marriage. Perhaps my forgiveness of myself was incomplete. Maybe it will be a lifelong process. But I sure did make considerable inroads during Inside Passage.

MY LIFE'S MISSION

Another gift that I received was the discovery that my highest directive was not to build community, to mentor and to teach, as previous workshops in the Excellence series had indicated to me. Rather, it was to live fully. I came to see it as my life's work to wake from the slumber to which a fairy godmother, in the form of my father, had condemned me. Yes, I love building community, mentoring and teaching, and I most likely will continue those activities. But living life to the max is even more important.

According to the Busting Loose Model, one lives in reactive mode. One wakes up each morning and asks oneself what one wants to do that day. There is no long term plan. So the idea of a "highest directive" for one's life seems irrelevant.

The whole point of moving into Phase 2 is to experience what Robert Scheinfeld calls True Joy. In that sense, my personal mission of living fully is a universal one. But it just happens that the specific way in which my Expanded Self locked in the Phase 1 Miracle is a particularly apt metaphor for the wider Human Game. That is, at some level Little Judy believed herself to be in mortal danger if she revealed who she really was. So I now experience it as a delicious phenomenon when I feel as if I have "permission" to show up as I am.

PHASE 1 RESOURCES

Last night I was mulling over my enduring fondness for these Phase 1 workshops now that I've committed to Phase 2.

Robert Scheinfeld says that, once one has crossed over into Phase 2, there is no such thing as a Phase 1 teacher, a Phase 1 book, a Phase 1 workshop, or a Phase 1 treatment modality. Anything and everything in the Phase 1 world can be appropriated and used for Phase 2 purposes.

In my case, I've just realized that these Phase 1 involvements help me to access my emotions, which is the first step of the Phase 2 "Process." The next step of The Process, after one has allowed the feelings to build up to the maximum intensity, is to tell oneself that the situation is an illusion.

I find that, when I implement The Process on my own, I do it in a rather mechanical way. I say the words to myself, as if by rote. But I find it difficult to sink into the so called negative emotion associated with a given experience.

Although this rather unfeeling way of carrying out The Process has reaped results for me, I find it more fun and rewarding to combine The Process with deeper feelings. Those deeper feelings, in turn, seem to be more easily accessible to me when I communicate directly with other people.

I also experience it as a great privilege when people share intimate details of their lives with me. I feel deep empathy when they let me into their inner circle and tell me that their mother abandoned them or their brother committed suicide or their uncle sexually abused them and how they feel about that. I know that, from a Phase 2 point of view, all of those stories are irrelevant. But for people living in the Phase 1 world, those kinds of experiences create heavy emotions. I feel very close to them when they share their lives with me.

Another aspect of the workshop that was most enjoyable was the humour. Although we did some difficult exercises that brought up sobs and tears, we also did activities that broke the tension and had us splitting our sides with laughter.

Robert says that, once we enter Phase 2, the illusions that we call "other people" play one or more roles for us:

(1) They bother us, which gives us an opportunity to practice the Phase 2 tools, such as The Process.

(2) They act as a catalyst to set in motion something that we need for our journey.

(3) They say something that provides us with an insight that we need.

(4) They provide us with an opportunity to have fun and enjoy the Earth Amusement Park.

I would say that my fellow Inside Passage workshop participants played all four of those roles for me. I appreciate them very, very much.

Foggy Brain

I am part way into a three-and-a-half day seminar called Inside Passage. Its purpose is to "decide and declare, discover and create the best of who you are."

We are addressing our personal vision and our relationships. We are working on acquiring compassion and forgiveness, both towards ourselves and towards another person with whom we have an unresolved issue.

At the beginning of the seminar, our facilitator asked each of us to stand up and state our name, what we wanted to get out of the seminar and what we thought our greatest barrier was to getting what we wanted.

I said my name was Judy, I didn't know what I wanted to get out of the seminar, and my greatest barrier was that I didn't know what I wanted.

When I was working in a small group of four people today, one of the members of that group shared what felt to me like a very important fact after we'd already worked together for three hours. She mentioned this central fact of her life in passing, almost as if it was a throw-away line.

When she did that, I felt angry towards her. The reason for my anger was that I had poured my heart and soul into assisting her during the preceding three hours. I had grappled with what seemed like a complex issue, and had racked my brain to help her in finding more clarity.

The salient fact that she then mentioned as if by accident was so huge that it just blew me away. If only she had shared that at the outset of our work together, it would have made all the difference.

Her "forgetting" to tell us this highly relevant piece of information might have been understandable if we'd been a bunch of newbies. But, in order to register for Inside Passage, all of us had to be graduates of the Pursuit of Excellence and The Wall. In exchanging pleasantries with this woman at the beginning of the seminar, I knew that she also was a graduate of the Advancement of Excellence. So we're talking about a person who has done a considerable amount of self development work. It just did not feel plausible to me that such a person could have "forgotten" to mention what seemed to me to be the single most important piece of information about her life.

I also could have understood her withholding the information from us if the environment had been unsafe. But really conscious people participate in the workshops that Excellence Seminars International puts on. By the time we make it to Inside Passage, we can be confident that our fellow participants have integrity. So I expect everyone in the room to participate to the maximum extent possible. To me that includes full disclosure in small group activities.

A few minutes after I'd felt anger towards this woman welling up inside of me, I realized that her withholding critical information had pushed one of my hot buttons. I recalled the elephant in my family of origin's living room. That had been my father's dyslexia, which I mentioned in my blog post entitled My Incomparable Dad. It seemed to me that, even after I thought I'd come to terms with it, I still must have been feeling hurt by my parents' secrecy. That probably explained why my reaction to my team member's apparent secrecy was disproportionate to the seriousness of her "transgression." I might add that it was a slip up that did not bother our other two team members in the slightest.

While I was driving home from the seminar venue tonight, I reviewed that whole thing about my father. I recalled how it had felt safer for me when I had suppressed how smart and capable I actually was. Then a light bulb went off for me. I realized that that also explained why I often felt confused about what I wanted. Confusion was safe, because nothing could be pinned on me, and I couldn't be blamed for it. The picture that came to me was of a dog fight in the First World War. I visualized a pilot ducking into a bank of clouds to escape the crossfire.

The thing you need to understand if you want to know what it has felt like to be Judy for most of the last 57 years is that Judy did not know that she was smart while she chose to present a dumbed down version of herself to the rest of the world. Rather, to feel safe, Judy hid even from herself the fact that she was smart.

Actually that is a good illustration of what all of us do to pull off what Robert Scheinfeld calls the Phase 1 Miracle. All of us players in the Earth Amusement Park hide from ourselves our true power. The special effects that are required to convince an infinite being that he or she is limited are very sophisticated indeed.

As soon as I became aware that my confusion was an artificial device, a whole bunch of things became clear to me. I knew at once what I wanted to get out of the seminar. I instantly knew answers that had eluded me during today's exercises as well as the answer to the most important question in tonight's homework assignment.

My recognition of my own mental fog also gave me compassion for my team member in the small group exercise. I could see how a vitally important fact about her life could have escaped her attention during our work together.

Postscript. It occurs to me that this blog post contains a lot of Phase 1 language and assumptions. If you've come here expecting to find insights into Phase 2, it seems to me that this post may confuse you. I apologize for that.

Fear

At the moment, the area in which I'm experiencing the greatest challenges is the Money Game. Most of the other games in my Earth Amusement Park are bringing me joy.

One of the things that I find difficult to do is to maintain a boundary between the catastrophic thinking of the Phase 1 players around me and myself.

My choice in the handling of "my" money is:

(1) to do what I would love to do even if it looks risky from a conventional point of view; or

(2) hold myself back from doing what I would love to do in order to follow what most people would consider a safer strategy.

I find it requires discipline to avoid succumbing to fear. I am doing Robert Scheinfeld's suggested "Process" over and over.

I also find it helpful to remind myself of Robert's Transformative Vocabulary Tool. For example, when I'm in a situation in which, in the past, I would have "paid" for something, I now think in terms of "expressing appreciation" for it.

A Return to Love

A friend recently lent me his copy of A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. Half way into it, I can say this book is a gem.

The subtitle is, "Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles." I read part of A Course in Miracles about five years ago. It had what I thought were good ideas, but I found it long winded and boring. Part way through, I stopped reading thoroughly and started skimming.

I don't know if A Course in Miracles really was all that poorly written or if I didn't want to listen to what it had to say.

In any event, here I am today, getting the succinct version from Marianne Williamson. My reaction this time around is, "Wow! This is dynamite."

I once heard someone asking Robert Scheinfeld if his body of work was similar to A Course in Miracles. He responded that it was not.

Interestingly enough, I find the opposite to be true for me. I see many parallels between Scheinfeld's Busting Loose Model and Williamson's message. Both of them invite you to drop Judgement and Fear. What Scheinfeld refers to as True Joy seems identical to what Williamson calls Love.

Williamson says:

Love is real. It's an eternal creation and nothing can destroy it.

Anything that isn't love is an illusion.

Remember this, and you'll be at peace.

It is the simplest of concepts and the most challenging of accomplishments.

Mayan Calendar

Recently my chiropractor, Dr. Norm Detillieux of The LifeHouse in Nanaimo, British Columbia, helped me to tame time.

In my experience, Norm is intuitive. Without my telling him, he seems to know what's going on with me. I don't have any desire to lie to him, but it in any case would be impossible for me to do so.

During a couple of my recent visits to him, Norm told me that he felt as if I was spinning. He was spot on. I had so much going on in my life that I felt overwhelmed.

Robert Scheinfeld says that you should live in what he calls reactive mode. You should get up every morning and do whatever you feel moved to do. Hmmm ....... That's all well and good. But my lifestyle involves heaps of commitments, and many of them are set up a long time in advance.

Anyway, back to Norm ....... He recommended that I watch a presentation that Ian Xel Lungold had given on the Mayan Calendar. Norm lent me the DVD. I watched it this past weekend, and found it inspiring.

Lungold said that, in the modern world, our minds use time and space as their reference points. The nature of our civilization is reflected in the simplistic calendar that we use. Our approach to time results in our viewing ourselves, and therefore treating ourselves, like objects. At birth, the clock starts ticking. Information about our age as well as the dates on the calendar are used to determine when we have to go to school, work, pay taxes, and so on.

The calendars of several other civilizations, in contrast, incorporated elements besides time. The Mayan Calendar, for example, included personal (soul) intent as well as divine intent. That created recognition of, and respect for, something beyond the physical world.

One of the problems with focusing primarily on the physical environment is that the human mind can process only so many bits of information per second. When you hear the number, it sounds large, but in fact it's inadequate. In our busy world, there simply is more happening than we can cope with.

Lungold said that the solution was to switch to intuition, literally to go out of our minds.

He used the example of a near death experience. People who have been in car accidents report that everything went into slow motion. The reason was that, in a life threatening situation, we switch to another mode, the intuitive one. Our intuition has a much more expansive capacity than our mind.

When Lungold brought up the topic of extreme danger, I recalled a vehicle accident in which I'd been at the age of seven. The rear tire on the Land Rover that my mother was driving burst, and the vehicle turned over. We had no seat belts in those days, and I hurtled through the windshield.

I remember the experience vividly. It was the most violent event of my life so far. I recall the pain I felt as my body was bashed about. I was choked and blinded by the dust that was stirred up on the dirt road. Talk about sensory overload.

Luckily, I emerged relatively unscathed. I had a few cuts on my legs, and one of those cuts required a stitch. But that was it. Considering what had happened, I was very fortunate.

Now, as I recall that accident, I feel very safe. That may seem paradoxical. The point is that, for all the the peril and discomfort I was in, I came through okay.

When things have felt busy during the last couple of days, I have pictured the accident. I have imagined that the current people, commitments, and clutter are like the metal, glass and dust that whirled around me. Then I have imagined myself flying through the chaos and landing safely, as I did in the case of the accident. I also have imagined everything slowing down, as it does during a crash, so I can discern what I want to do next.

That visualization exercise has made all the difference. From an objective point of view, my life is just as full as it was before. But subjectively it feels manageable, sometimes even tranquil.

An "interesting" creation

At the moment my life seems to be firing on all cylinders. I am juggling so many balls, I can hardly believe it.

My new job, with its associated training, has begun -- albeit on a part-time basis at this point. I am finding that exciting but, as I stated before, I am going to wait a while before I share much about that.

My involvement in my cohousing community is deeply meaningful to me, but it does require a time commitment. In addition to my more routine tasks, I'm going to be visiting Roberts Creek Cohousing tomorrow (Thursday) for a consensus decision making workshop that will last through the weekend.

I am continuing to reap benefits from my collaboration with Dr. Norm at The Lifehouse Chiropractic Studio. Yes, the "light touch" method that Norm uses is a Phase 1 creation and, yes, I like it.

On the dating front, I had an interesting experience last weekend. From Friday afternoon through Sunday evening, I went to Vancouver to visit with a man whom I had "met" on a match making website.

That involved a one-and-a-half hour ferry ride across the Georgia Strait in each direction. This man and I had gotten on like a house on fire via emails and phone calls. For a variety of reasons it wasn't convenient for him to visit Nanaimo until December, so I agreed to travel to Vancouver instead. The voyage on the ferry is beautiful, so I was more than happy to do it.

In many ways my date was a super person, just as he had seemed to be during long distance communications. He was a talented musician and artist as well as a serious student of yoga in all its dimensions (physical, spiritual, etc.). We had heaps of interests and values in common. He also was respectful, considerate and hospitable towards me.

There was, however, one anomaly. When I met him, he looked older than I had been anticipating. At first it didn't bother me. I didn't want to focus only on physical appearance, as it felt less important to me than other factors.

Several hours into our weekend date, however, he said something that raised a red flag for me. If I remember correctly, he referred to an event that I felt he should have been too young to have witnessed. I came right out and asked him how old he was. He admitted that he was ten years older than the age he had provided on the match making website.

For me that was a trust breaker. What I mean by that is a breach of trust that is significant enough to supersede other considerations. Yes, I found many things about him engaging and fascinating. But they were as nothing compared with the fact that he had lied to me.

But I remained calm. It did occur to me, momentarily, to climb on the next ferry back to Nanaimo. But then I thought, "What the heck? I've invested the time in getting to Vancouver. Why don't I just stay here and make the most of this trip?"

It was a beautiful, sunny weekend. My date lives in Kitsilano, which is a delightful neighbourhood of character homes not far from downtown Vancouver. The streets are lined with trees that were sporting autumn colours. We walked to the beach. Then we walked down Broadway, which is a street lined with cute stores, coffee shops, and the like. We browsed through charming Banyen Books. On Saturday night, we had a delicious meal at East is East.

All in all, it was a pleasant getaway. On my return ferry, I did reflect though that two men with whom I had engaged on match making websites had not played with what I would call a full deck of cards. I merely noticed it. As far as I am concerned, there really is nothing to be done about it. Because I am informed by the Busting Loose model, I believe that my Expanded Self created these behaviours, as it creates everything that I experience in my hologram.

To me this past weekend just felt like a new ride in the Earth Amusement Park. I wonder what's around the next corner.

Clear and Sunny

Back in my Phase 1 days, when I believed the world was under assault from dark forces, I struggled to find what Buddhists called Right Livelihood. By that I meant an ethical income-earning pursuit.

More recently, I've thrown caution to the winds. I've simply ignored the issue of livelihood altogether. I've pursued my passion, which has been the establishment of a cohousing community. It's been an exceptionally rewarding experience, except for the fact it hasn't made me a dime and, indeed, has been a financial drain.

In the midst of this, I've been participating in a six-week course called the Advancement of Excellence (AOE). Rather than choosing my dodgy financial position as my area of focus for the AOE, I decided to focus on the creation of an intimate relationship. That had been a deficiency that had bothered me even more than my wobbly finances.

My friend, Chad, who has been through the AOE a couple of times, told me that AOE participants often experienced progress in multiple areas of their lives even as they focused on a single area.

That seems to have been happening for me. For example, I have made some fascinating discoveries about my physical health, and have received useful advice and inspiration from a couple of wonderful alternative health practitioners.

Then, out of the blue, one of my fellow AOE participants whom I like and respect has invited me to participate in what seems to be an ideal income earning opportunity. It seems to be a situation in which I would earn a good income while providing clients with a beneficial (indeed, life-changing) service that, at the same time, was ethical.

I feel it's too early to share the details with you. I'll test drive it for a while before I report back.

On top of that, notwithstanding my resolve to pursue an intimate relationship at a relaxed pace, that quest seems to be moving in a promising direction too.

To use one of Robert Scheinfeld's favourite analogies, it sure feels as if I've drilled through some cloud cover. Although today was drizzly in the storyline, my world to all intents and purposes was filled with blue skies.

Quick Update

My brief dating relationship with David, which I mentioned in recent blog posts, has come to an end. He has grown very fond of another woman.

One thing I appreciated enormously was that David came to Nanaimo to tell me this in person. As a matter of fact, we had a very pleasant visit. He gave me a ride to Costco so that I could buy shelving units for my apartment, and he kindly assembled them for me. We went out for a nice dinner and a walk along the harbour. When we parted, we wished each other all the best for the future.

Another thing that I was very glad about was that I did not feel that I was less than. I had no sense at all of being in a competition. I was very gratified in the growth that had taken place in me. If this situation had arisen even a few months previously, it would have been a different story.

I have re-activated my profile on the matching making website. However, I think I'll probably take things more slowly this time around. I've now tried the quick route. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. I don't feel a need to collect a pile of T-shirts. :-)

Wabi Sabi

Today I posted an entry about wabi sabi on my cohousing blog.

Although there is no formal connection -- that I am aware of, at least -- between the Japanese concept of wabi sabi and the Busting Loose model, I do see some overlap between the two.

Both philosophies encourage me to appreciate the beauty in what is, to be patient, to savour each moment, and to trust that the imperfect is unfolding with an elegance that is beyond my conscious awareness.

If you feel so moved, please feel free to read the relevant post on my other blog.

I bust loose. Woo hoo!

I recently have had my first two busting loose experiences.

The first occasion was a morning on which I was looking into my bathroom mirror while I was brushing my teeth and combing my hair. The realization sort of snuck up on me -- or sneaked up on me if you prefer British English -- that my concerns about my wrinkles had vanished. It was not that my wrinkles had disappeared. They were still there, all right. Rather, it was that I didn't give a rat's pituti about them.

According to Robert Scheinfeld, busting loose from the Body Game may involve physical changes, and it may not. What does change when you bust loose is that judgement evaporates.

My next busting loose moment happened about a week later. Again, an awareness dawned on me. It was the fact that I had bust loose from the Relationships Game. As was the case with busting loose from my concern about wrinkles, I was not conscious of any connection between my sense of having bust loose and what was actually happening on the ground. Yes, you could say that, according to the way in which the world usually judges these things, I'm in a good space with respect to the Relationships Game at the moment. But it does not feel to me as if that is the reason for my having bust loose.

Robert Scheinfeld says that, when you bust loose in a given area, you have absolute certainty that things in that area are all right. If you have bust loose from the Money Game, for example, you have absolute certainty that you will have the resources to go on whichever rides you want in the Earth Amusement Park.

So that is how I now feel about the Relationships Game. I have absolute certainty that the relationship arena of my life is just fine, and always will be fine. This is unrelated to my external circumstances. It's a feeling inside me. Again it comes down to a suspension of judgement. I have a strong sense that things are perfect the way they are, whatever that looks like, and that that always will be the case.

I have not yet bust loose from the Money Game. However, my fear about money has subsided enormously. My judgement about the prospect of being poor has decreased a great deal over the last while.

Robert talks about living in what he calls True Joy. I now can relate to what he says from my own personal experience and not just from a belief in an intellectual theory.

The effort I invested in implementing the Phase 2 tools over the last fourteen months feels like a very small price to have paid for this sense of liberation.

Competition. What competition?

In looking back on my foray into dating, I recall the fears that I overcame.

I had heard that, in my age group, there were more single women than men. Another opinion I had heard was that there were few men in my age group who were willing to undertake the effort that was involved in maintaining a relationship.

I also suffered from a mild body image problem. I'd been embarrassed by my pear shaped figure ever since my teens. Once I reached middle age, I encountered the additional challenge of aging. When I looked at photos of myself, I felt ashamed of my wrinkles.




Although I was tempted to focus on lack rather than on abundance, I forced myself to feel the fear and do it anyway (to paraphrase Susan Jeffers' book). "It" in this case was registering with a match making website and posting my photo there.

Later it was very instructive when David volunteered to me his methodology for filtering women on match making websites. He said he quickly scanned the profiles for factors that were deal breakers for him, e.g., smoking. Next, he looked at photos. He said that only once in a blue moon did a woman's face jump off the screen and gain his attention. The deciding factor for him was the eyes. He said that a "conscious" woman had eyes that were alive. Apparently this "life," at least in the form that appeals to him, is something that he recognizes instantly. He reported that the eyes in my photo had that quality.

That was where I chuckled to myself, because I realized that my fears about the amount of competition I was up against had been unfounded. The Busting Loose model states that my Expanded Self creates everything that shows up in my hologram (the life that I perceive in the Earth Amusement Park). My Expanded Self creates the people around me and hands them scripts that they then act out. If there is a man out there who likes my eyes, it's because my Expanded Self has created him. The notion of so called competition is utterly irrelevant.

I have used the example of dating but, according to the Busting Loose model, the principles would be the same if we were discussing business, career, or any other area of life. As Robert Scheinfeld says, if you (the Player) are aware of something, you (your Expanded Self) created it.

After my initial exposure to the Busting Loose material, it took me quite a while to accept that. But that's what I now believe.

There is just one caveat. It is not I, the Player, who conjurs up a date or a client or a job. It is my Expanded Self.

If not now, when?

Recently I met a lovely man and now am dating him.

Things were set in motion on September 19th and 20th, 2009, when I participated in the Foundation Weekend of the Advancement of Excellence (AOE). During that seminar, I chose an area of focus for the following six weeks. Now I'm attending weekly meetings with the members of a small group of fellow AOE participants. We are supporting each other in making progress in our respective areas of focus.

As I've mentioned before, I regard the AOE as a Phase 1 course. As Robert Scheinfeld says, though, if a Phase 2 Player avails him or herself of a resource that nominally belongs to Phase 1, the Phase 2 Player may still derive great benefit from it. He advocates living in reactive mode and doing whatever you feel drawn to doing, regardless of labels.

During the AOE Foundation Weekend, we did an exercise that revealed to us the levels of satisfaction we were experiencing in different areas of life (family, career, finances, health, and so on). To my surprise, the exercise showed me that the lack of an intimate relationship was bothering me more than I previously had realized. It was even more important to me than the marketing of Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community, the project I had assumed would be my area of focus.

So I went with the flow and selected "intimate relationship" as my area of focus for the AOE. Before I completed the Foundation Weekend on the Sunday night, I committed to my AOE team that I would register with a match making website by our Wednesday night meeting. I went home, logged onto a website that an AOE group member had recommended, threw up the photo of myself that appears on this blog, completed the questionnaire, and dashed off a profile.

I then searched the website for men in my age group who lived within a reasonable radius of Nanaimo. In my naïveté about the protocols of these match making websites, I sent messages to about half a dozen men. I said something like, "Hi John. It looks as if we have several interests in common. Judy."

I subsequently discovered that I could have waited to see which men put me on their lists of favourites. I then would have had the option of putting them on my list of favourites. Apparently that is the cyber equivalent of smiling at each other across the room before you speak. But I was a babe in the woods, and didn’t know that.

When I woke up the following morning, I found responses waiting from some of the men whom I’d contacted. On top of that, some new men had sent me messages.

It was a Monday, and we at Pacific Gardens were preparing for our ribbon-cutting ceremony on Tuesday. Besides that, I was going to be leaving home on Wednesday morning to nurse a friend who’d had surgery. I also had to prepare my apartment to be painted while I was away at my friend’s house.

I felt overwhelmed by the messages on the match making website. I wondered what I could do to make the sifting process more manageable. I quickly scanned through the men's profiles. They all said they liked the outdoors, as I do. I cast about for an additional filter.

In my cursory scan of the profiles, I noticed that there was only one man who had mentioned a spiritual search. He had studied under a guru in India. I didn't care about the exact nature of his search, but I appreciated the fact that he was a seeker. His name was David, and he lived on one of the Gulf Islands off the coast of Vancouver Island. He was one of the men with whom I’d initiated contact. In his response, he’d provided me with a link to a website on which he had posted some of his writings.

To protect myself from overload and to carve out some time in which to read David's material, I decided to communicate only with him. I replied to the invitations for coffee by saying, "Thanks, but no thanks." I switched my profile on the match making website to invisible mode, so that no one else would find me.

I sent David a message telling him what I had done. I made it clear that my actions did not represent a commitment or implied obligation. However, I did want to make time to read some of his work, as it would help to give me a sense of who he was. I reciprocated by giving him links to my two blogs. I felt they too would give him a chance to find out more about me.

Around 11:00 am on Tuesday, when I was about to shut down my computer, have a bath, and change for the Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community ribbon-cutting ceremony, I spotted a message from David. He said that, if I was amenable to the idea, he could drive to Nanaimo, and we could go out for dinner that evening. The only obstacle was that, if we did that, he would miss the last ferry back to his island. He asked if there was a place he could stay if he brought his sleeping bag.

I started typing a reply. I said it was a super idea, but unfortunately I was about to participate in our ribbon-cutting ceremony, then I had to pack a bag for my move to my friend, and I had to prepare things for the painter, so I couldn't possibly fit in a date. But I really appreciated his suggestion, and would be delighted to take him up on it at some point in the future. I looked at my diary to identify a rough time frame during which I’d be available. I realized I had a free slot somewhere towards the end of November, a couple of months out.

The words of the first century rabbi, Hillel, rang in my ears, "If not now, when?" I took a deep breath, deleted my message, and started over. I thanked David for his invitation, and said it sounded delightful. I went on to say that we had two guest rooms in the Pacific Gardens Common House and, if he brought his sleeping bag, he could stay in one of them.

Just after we Pacific Gardeners had finished clearing up following our joyful opening celebration, David arrived with a bunch of flowers for me. We hopped in his vehicle and drove downtown. I listed the restaurants that I liked, which included Lebanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Japanese, and Mexican cuisine. The Middle Eastern one appealed to him, so that's where we went.

When the waitress filled our water glasses, I asked her if there was a special. She said there was, and described a fish dish. I said, "Thank you. That's what I'll have." David said, "Would you make that two fish dishes?" The waitress didn’t even have a chance to give us menus. We were too interested in finding out about each other.

After dinner, we went for a walk along the harbour. We talked till 3:00 am. We found each other extremely likeable, and discovered that we had even more interests in common than our internet correspondence had suggested.

On his way out of Nanaimo the following morning, David dropped me at my friend’s house. As I cared for her that day, I was operating on very little sleep. But I had boundless energy from being on cloud nine.

David returned to Nanaimo to visit with me this past weekend, ten days after our first date. I feel so grateful that I met him after I'd done The Wall and the AOE Foundation Weekend, during which I had learned so much about myself. I was as authentic as I knew how to be from the get go. I got the sense that David knew himself very well and was equally honest. By the time we were half way through our second date, I felt as if I'd known him for a much longer time than actually had been the case.

We do not regard ourselves as being in a committed relationship by any means. It’s way too early for that. After all, we’ve only had two dates so far. On the other hand, we have acknowledged that we are dating. My comment on that is that it sure feels nice to be cherished.

Phase 1 resources

When I was first introduced to the Busting Loose model, my knee-jerk reaction was that all Phase 1 teachings and treatments were "wrong." Further reading and listening, however, revealed that Robert Scheinfeld did not necessarily advocate rejecting all Phase 1 resources out of hand.

He recommended living in reactive mode and availing myself of whatever educational opportunities and therapies I liked. He said that a Phase 1 resource, when it was accessed by a Phase 2 Player, became a Phase 2 resource. That is, a Phase 2 Player would extract different support from a Phase 1 resource than a Phase 1 Player would extract.

This weekend I participated in a seminar called the Advancement of Excellence. It is the third in a series of self-development seminars offered by Excellence Seminars in Canada (and by Context International in other countries).

Although it is a Phase 1 series of courses that involves goal setting, being proactive, and other strategies that are superfluous to Phase 2, I nonetheless have found it invaluable. Through these courses, I have gotten to know myself way, way better than I knew myself before. Exercises that I did and feedback that my fellow participants have given me have served as a sort of mirror that has reflected back to me an image rather different from the one that I had before.

One of the things that has been revealed to me during these seminars is that what I want often is different from what I had thought I wanted. In the past my wish list tended to be filtered through my internal censor, who tended to be politically correct. For example, I might not have admitted to wanting a certain thing because it was something that I had equated with selfishness.

Once I got over my initial surprise -- I would even go so far as to say shock -- I found myself liking this person whom I had just met. In my Total Immersion Movie she is a character called Judy Roberts.

Enlightenment For Dummies

One of the things I like about Robert Scheinfeld's writing is its accessibility. I find the Busting Loose model easy to understand.

The ideas are not always easy to implement, mind you. When a so called problem has me by the throat, as Robert puts it, I can struggle as much as the next person. But the concepts are simple.

For that reason I consider Robert's work to be ideal for the person who is in the early stages of switching from an ego-based orientation to a heart-based or intuitive orientation, as some people call it.

I believe it's a significant accomplishment to explain a proposition in such a way that an ordinary person can understand it. So, when I refer to Robert's teaching as Enlightenment For Dummies, I consider it to be a high compliment.

Mental Health

The other day I wondered, just out of idle curiosity, what a Phase 1 Player would think if they knew my emotional state and understood my circumstances -- insofar as those circumstances were being portrayed in the Total Immersion Movie that is my life. They would see a person in a precarious financial situation who nonetheless was happy.

It occurred to me that they might think I was nuts. They might perceive an inconsistency between my so called reality and my response to that "reality."

For quite a while now -- let's say a couple of weeks -- my mood has been remarkably consistent. I've been cheerful most of the time. I've been aware of what has been going on around me. At times a part of me has felt afraid. But, even during my moments of fear, there has been another part of me that has been joyful.

I have found myself simultaneously carrying contradictory feelings. The so called negative feeling has not drowned the so called positive feeling. If anything, it's been the other way round. The so called positive feeling has prevailed, no matter what.

A couple of days ago I shared this with someone whom I regard as an enlightened person, although she is not a student of Robert Scheinfeld. She told me that the theologian, Carline Myss, had written about this phenomenon. Apparently Myss has stated that, to a person living an ego-based existence, a mystic and a psychotic look the same.

In Myths of light : Eastern metaphors of the eternal, Joseph Campbell wrote, "The psychotic is drowning in these waters, while the yogi is swimming."

I feel as if I'm doing the doggy paddle, and I appreciate that.

Appreciating my creations

Just a bit more than a year into Phase 2, it really is starting to sink in for me that I create everything in my hologram. As Robert Scheinfeld says, "If you're aware of it, you created it."

One point of clarification before I continue. When Robert says, "You created it," he means that my Expanded Self created it. He does not mean that I, the Player in the Earth Amusement Park, created it.

At first I found it difficult to believe Robert when he said that I would come to appreciate all my creations, no matter how abhorent they seemed to be from a Phase 1 point of view. However, that now is starting to happen for me.

There are a few people in my hologram who, according to the storyline, are at loggerheads with one another. I'm tied to them through a business venture. On the surface of it, their intransingence has the potential to deal a severe blow to my net worth. According to conventional thinking, a single woman of 57 would have little chance of recovering from a financial reversal such as the one I am facing.

When dynamics like this unfolded back when I was in Phase 1, I would go into full panic mode. Well, I might not have been in my current situation to start with, because I took far fewer risks. But, in spite of my best efforts to stay safe, I still got into hot water.

Historically, my reactions included feeling pity for someone whom I perceived to be a victim and indignation towards someone whom I perceived to be a bully. I would try to rescue the victim. Depending on the situation, this might take the form of soothing their feelings, assuming burdens on their behalf, trying to slay dragons, mediating, or all of the above.

Now I find myself watching the drama unfolding as if it was a movie. To me the fears and frustrations of my business associates are illusions, the so called disrespectful treatment of some by others is an illusion, and my financial peril is an illusion.

What am I going to do about this potentially disastrous conflict amongst my business associates? For the moment, I don't feel inspired to do anything to resolve the deadlock.

There are other tasks related to this business that I have been performing, that I want to perform, and that I am continuing to perform.

As a matter of fact, I love this business. That's the paradoxical thing about it. I enjoy the business. I appreciate the people who are in it with me. This is exactly where I want to be.

If this was the only expansion that took place on my journey, the introduction to the Busting Loose model already would have been an incomparable gift.

Angel

Living in reactive mode is starting to feel more normal to me.

I recently have moved into a new apartment that is situated in a lovely, wooded spot. You can get some sense of the setting from the posts entitled If you go down to the woods today and Chase River Cathedral in my cohousing blog.

My decision to buy into this project in August 2008 in itself was the result of living in reactive mode. My involvement in Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community has been quite the ride in the Earth Amusement Park. It has been, and continues to be, scary from a financial point of view. It has had its challenging moments in terms of interpersonal relationships. But, on balance, I love it to bits.

Perhaps it was because I was in the throes of decorating my apartment that my thoughts turned last night to a wooden sculpture I'd seen on the website of my brother, George Kockott. The piece is called Angel.

I first spotted the work a few months ago, when my siblings and I were tossing around ideas for a joint gift for my mother's 80th birthday. We briefly discussed purchasing one of George's sculptures for her. However, much as she admires George's creativity, she herself does not feel drawn to most of his work. Besides that, she's at a stage of life at which she is trying to divest herself of stuff rather than accumulating it. So we opted instead for a big photo collage of her life. One of my sisters-in-law, Vanda, did a wonderful job of that.

In any event, back when I was looking at George's online catalogue with my mom in mind, Angel had jumped out at me. Last night I remembered the piece and thought, "Wouldn't it be cool to incorporate Angel into my set up here at Pacific Gardens? But I'd be surprised if that's possible. I'd expect someone to have bought her by now."

Notwithstanding my doubts, I emailed George and asked him if, by some chance, Angel still was on the market. This morning I woke up to an email from George's wife, Claire, letting me know that Angel was available. She kindly offered to get a quote for shipping the piece from East London, South Africa to Nanaimo, Canada.

I am tickled to hear that I can have Angel. I have no idea where I'll put her when she arrives. Nonetheless, I am sure that she will fit beautifully into this setting.

Another thing about her is that, while George has called her Angel, that's not how I see her. I don't yet know what she means to me. I have an inkling that I somehow find her symbolic of me, but I haven't yet unpacked the reasons for that.

All I know for now is that I enjoy the prospect of bringing her to Nanaimo.

Money Game

One of the subsets of the Human Game that historically has generated a lot of fear in me has been the Money Game.

According to Robert Scheinfeld, when you bust loose from the Money Game, you will have direct experience of your infinite abundance. You will have absolute certainty that you'll have enough resources to go on whatever rides you like in the Earth Amusement Park.

Robert claims that, when you bust loose from a given limitation, you will know you have reached the busting loose point. Furthermore, there will be no going back. You permanently will keep the power you have gained in that area.

I suppose busting loose is like riding a bicycle. Once you know how to do it, you always know.

According to Robert's experience and the experience of other Phase 2 Players of whom he is aware, busting loose from the Money Game does not necessarily result in your becoming a billionaire (although it doesn't necessarily preclude that possibility either). How your own busting loose journey will unfold will depend on what will be most enjoyable to your Expanded Self.

Apparently many Phase 2 Players experience what Robert refers to as "just in time delivery" of the money they need to play the Human Game in the way that they want to play it. Robert says that, once you bust loose from the Money Game, you have what he refers to as Cosmic Overdraft Protection.

I have not reached the Busting Loose point as far as the Money Game -- or any other arena of life -- is concerned. But I do seem to have had what Robert refers to as "cookies." They are experiences that provide you with a hint of what life will be like after you have reached the busting loose point in one arena or another. One of the purposes of a cookie is to reinforce your faith in the Busting Loose phenomenon and to motivate you to continue using the Phase 2 tools.

Back in December 2008, I became aware that someone whom I knew was in difficulty and needed money in order to get out of a pickle. Although I could not afford to help them out, I felt drawn to offer them the money that it would take to get them over the hump. If an accountant or a bank manager or anyone else from the mainstream financial services industry had looked at my situation and had seen the amount of money I was giving away, they would have said I was committing financial suicide.

Well, actually, they would have thought I'd already gone off the deep end when I'd separated from my husband and implemented my dream of buying into a cohousing community in Coastal British Columbia back in August 2008. But, as far as they would have been concerned, that gift of money in December would have been the straw that really would have broken the camel's back.

Once you enter Phase 2, part of the process involves living in reactive mode and doing what you feel inspired to do. For a Phase 2 Player, the assumption is that your desires are messages from your Expanded Self. Although my confidence in the Busting Loose principles still was wobbly back then, I listened to my impulse, and provided the financial assistance that I felt drawn to provide.

Another desire that I could not afford to fulfill was to travel to Africa in June and July 2009 to participate in a family reunion to celebrate my mother's 80th birthday. But I thought, "Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead," and started making enquiries about air tickets.

Within a couple of days of committing to provide financial assistance to the person who was in difficulty, I heard that I would be receiving some money. I already knew that a distant family member whom I had never met -- a third cousin twice removed or something like that -- recently had died. A new piece of information was that she had been wealthy, a fact to which she had not hinted while she'd been alive. In her will, she had named my mother as one of the beneficiaries of her estate. My mom, in turn, was kind enough to distribute much of the money she received to her children and her favourite charities.

The amount of money that came to me from my distant cousin was enough to reimburse me for the money I'd given to the person who had encountered a significant challenge and to cover the costs of my trip to Africa in June and July 2009.

Then early this year, 553080 BC Ltd, the real estate development company that has built the Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community project, ran into financial difficulty. 553080 BC Ltd was forced to ask its shareholders, of whom I was one, to give whatever assistance they could afford. This could be done by purchasing debentures, which was a way of lending the company money.

This time the amount of money that was required was more than had been needed in the other case I cited. Again, I could not afford it. As the amount of assistance that was needed this time was larger, I felt even more afraid than I had felt in the previous case. But again I felt inspired to give money, so that's what I did.

Shortly after that, the executor of our distant cousin's estate informed my mom that a previously unknown asset had been discovered and that he would need to distribute the equity amongst the beneficiaries. Astonishingly, the value of this previously unknown asset was larger than the value of the originally known estate. My mom again shared the proceeds with her children, still more charities, and her grandchildren as well. This time the share that I received covered the loan that I had made to 553080 BC Ltd.

More recently, I had been wondering how I was going to furnish my apartment at Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community when we finally got an occupancy permit and I was allowed to move in. Construction costs had increased, and we shareholders of 553080 BC Ltd were being asked to pay more for our apartments than we had expected. The increase in the asking price of my apartment would swallow up the budget I had earmarked for furniture and decorating.

At the beginning of September 2009, a couple of days before the City of Nanaimo granted Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community an occupancy permit, I heard I would be receiving still another windfall. My mom told me that the executor of our cousin's estate had told her he would be releasing money he previously had held back for estate taxes. After all tax bills had been cleared, he found that there was money left over in the holdback account. He shortly would be distributing that money to the beneficiaries. My mom told me that she would divide the money amongst her children and an additional charity. When she told me what my share would be, I was delighted to realize it would make the difference between furnishing my apartment with Salvation Army specials and furnishing it with what I wanted.

The part of my brain that was informed by my old paradigm -- what Robert Scheinfeld calls Phase 1 residue -- went into overdrive. It screamed at me not to spend my windfall on something as frivolous as decorating. It told me I should be adding the money to my tiny nest egg so that I could use it on a rainy day. But the thing is, I want to spend the money on decorating, so that's what I'm doing. I might add that I'm enjoying decorating.

In the meantime, the trolley that's propelling me through the Money Ride in the Earth Amusement Park continues to lurch over bumps and careen around corners. I regularly experience heart stopping moments. In the storyline, 553080 BC Ltd is far from being out of the woods.

Although I feel sucked in by the drama, I also believe that it's an illusion. I just keep plugging away, living in reactive mode and using the Phase 2 tools that I have faith will propel me to the Busting Loose point.

If nothing else, I find that living in the now is more fun than living in fear of future horrors that may or may not transpire.

Divine Protection

Yesterday evening was a very intense time for me. Looking at things from a Phase 1 point of view, I heard some disconcerting news that had negative implications for my financial future.

I dealt with the situation by telling myself the Truth about it, as I understood the Truth from a Phase 2 perspective. That is, the so called problem was an illusion. According to my beliefs, my Expanded Self has popped the situation into my hologram to give me an opportunity to use the tools that will bust me loose from the limitations of Phase 1.

According to the Busting Loose model, everything that shows up in my hologram has been placed there by my Expanded Self. Furthermore, my Expanded Self will never place into my hologram anything that is too much for me to handle. However difficult my so called challenges are, they always will be ones that I have the capacity to deal with.

Interestingly enough, this is similar to a notion that I have heard with respect to Phase 1 teachings as well. There is a saying that God will never give me a cross that is too heavy for me to carry. In thinking about that, I'm reminded of a poem from the Phase 1 world. "Lord" is not a term that I am wont to use these days but, otherwise, I resonate with Mary Stevenson's "Footprints in the Sand."

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Bad Behaviour

Ah yes, this happens from time to time. It happened again yesterday. People around me behaved badly.

Although I was not one of the main players in the argument, I felt upset when I saw one person's behaviour "hurting" another person. Then I felt even more upset when the "victim" included me in the group of people who, she implied, had failed to protect her.

It was an ideal opportunity to tell the Truth, as it's understood in the Busting Loose model.

There are no other people. They are all illusions. My Expanded Self has created everything that shows up in my hologram. So called other people have no independent decision making authority in my hologram. They do exactly what my Expanded Self tells them to do.

There is no good or bad. Whether it's so called good or so called bad, it's an illusion. What makes it seem good or bad to me is my judgement about it. Judgement is the glue that holds the illusion together.

I cannot be hurt, and neither can anyone else. Although I experience the illusion of being a Player in the illusion, I am an infinite being. As an infinite being, it is impossible for me to experience anything but profound joy. When I experience a so called negative emotion, it is True Joy in disguise.

When I first encountered these ideas, it took quite a while for me to wrap my mind around them. I still don't understand them or fully accept them. But they are coming to make more and more sense to me. I believe them enough to be able to say that I am a committed Phase 2 Player.

The more I accept the explanation embodied in the Busting Loose model, the more I appreciate the Oscar-worthy performances of the actors who play out the scripts that my Expanded Self has handed them. They are providing me with opportunities to use the tools that will bust me loose from Phase 1 limitations.

Then I will be able to continue living in the illusion, but without being bound by the limitations of the illusion. According to my understanding, once I'm living in the hologram in an expanded state in which I have escaped the limitations of the illusion, I'll be living in Heaven on Earth.

After my Expanded Self feels she and I (the Player) have had enough fun in the Earth Amusement Park, I will stop playing the Human Game, and I'll return to Infiniteland.

Although I believe that such a phenonmenon as the Busting Loose point exists, I have not yet experienced it. I still find myself being sucked in by the illusion. When I witnessed the bad behaviour to which I referred above, I defaulted to the emotions that I historically have experienced in situations like that.

I felt sorry for the victim, I felt ashamed and trapped when the victim implied I'd failed to intervene, and I wanted to escape from the situation. I didn't just want to run away from the immediate scene. Moving away from the city was something that momentarily crossed my mind.

But I didn't run. I stayed where I was and told myself the Truth as I understood it. As I told myself the Truth, I experienced a shift in my emotions. I felt myself starting to appreciate the actors in my hologram. People have different words for that level of appreciation. I call it love.

The Law of Attraction

I have tried a number of different self-development approaches, including visualization. These approaches rely on me to be proactive. They go something like this. I picture something I want.

Let's say, just for example, I want a house. I am encouraged to visualize in as much detail as possible what that house looks like. Perhaps I'm encouraged to draw the house. Perhaps I'm encouraged to cut out photos from magazines and paste them onto a vision board.

Then, having done that, I'm encouraged to hold the vision of that very specific house in my mind. The hypothesis is that, if I visualize effectively enough, the house will be manifested in my life.

I do not believe that. Rather, I believe in the Busting Loose model.

According to the Busting Loose model, there is no effort that I, the Player in the hologram or illusion, can put forth that will create anything. It is my Expanded Self who creates everything that shows up in my life.

In the Phase 1 world, there are many sayings that are True. When we're immersed in the Phase 1 illusion, however, we often miss the Truth in those sayings. One of these sayings that I recall and that I believe to be True is, "Man proposes; God disposes." In the case of that saying, "man" represents to me the Phase 1 Player, and "God" represents the Expanded Self.

Living in the hologram, I (the Player) can run around and do all kinds of stuff. I may think that I achieve results, but in fact all of those results come from my Expanded Self.

For example, I may submit myself to a certain kind of medical treatment, and I may appear to be healed. However, the health practitioners who appeared to treat me and the modalities that they appeared to use did nothing to create the result that I call "feeling better."

It was my Expanded Self who created the result and who used the health practitioners and the treatment modalities to create a storyline that felt plausible to me, the Player. If my Expanded Self had preferred, she could have created the outcome of healing with the snap of a finger, so to speak.

In the example of the house, mentioned above, I know a woman who lives in a beautiful house that overlooks the ocean and that exactly fits the vision she had when she participated in a workshop in which she drew her dream house. She believes that she succeeded in getting the Law of Attraction to work for her. According to my belief system, though, she got the house because her Expanded Self gave it to her, along with a storyline that felt plausible to her.

The Busting Loose model does not involve long term planning. Playing the Phase 2 Game involves living in reactive mode. You get up in the morning, you ask yourself what you want to do, and you do it. You trust your Expanded Self to figure out where your life is going.

There is one qualification that may be helpful to someone who is new to the Busting Loose material. You may be asking yourself about logistics that involve the future. For example, I currently am in discussions with my sons, who live in Calgary, about whether or not they will visit me in Nanaimo over Christmas, which is more than three months away.

According to the Busting Looose model, it is fine to issue or accept invitations to future events and to put into place arrangements that will enable you to participate in those events. However, at the moment that you make the decision whether or not to issue or accept the invitation, you live in reactive mode. You ask yourself whether or not you want to participate in the event, and you issue or respond to the invitation accordingly.

If you agree to participate in a future event and, before the event takes place, you no longer want to participate in it, you contact anyone who may be affected and tell them you have changed your mind. Robert Scheinfeld reports that, since he has been living in reactive mode, the number of occasions on which he has cancelled engagements has been small. He says his experience is that, if he was living in reactive mode when he made the commitment, more often than not he feels like fulfilling the commitment when the time comes.

I must admit that, for me, the notion of reactive mode seemed seriously weird when I first encountered it. Actually, I'm still getting used to it. It is so very different from the proactive approach, which I've believed in for decades.

This blog is an example of my new life in reactive mode. I woke up one morning, and felt it would be fun to create a new blog. I chose a name, created the blog, and typed the first post. The next day, I typed another post. The day after that, I typed yet another post.

I have no idea whether or not I will publish a post tomorrow. If I do publish a post tomorrow, I have no idea what it will be about. I have no idea how long I will maintain this blog. I have no idea in which direction this blog is going and to which other things, if any, it may lead.

My Incomparable Dad

In explaining the Busting Loose model, Robert Scheinfeld asserts that, if you choose to enter Phase 2 of the Human Game, your Expanded Self will take you on a tour and show you specific ways in which illusions were created that convinced you, an infinite being, that you were limited.

I felt sceptical when I first heard that claim. However, I recently had an Aha moment in which the structure of one of those illusions was revealed to me. Actually, it had been revealed to me earlier, when I had viewed it through a Phase 1 lens. What felt fascinating to me recently was to look at it again through a Phase 2 lens.

The insight involved the creation that I had called my father.

ONCE UPON A TIME

In the storyline, my dad had dyslexia, and experienced a lot of shame around that. His sense of limitation was locked in by his father who never went to any of the sports events in which he excelled but who only lambasted him for doing poorly in school.

When my parents married, my mom colluded with my dad to hide his dyslexia. My dad, who managed a cattle ranch and sugar cane and citrus plantation, worked outdoors, while my mom stayed indoors and did the administrative tasks. My mom must have done a good job of downplaying her role, presumably to protect my dad's ego. As I was growing up, I received the impression that the important work was what my dad did outdoors. I received the impression that the administrative work was secondary.

Another element of this story that I find interesting is my parents' secretiveness. My mom told me about my dad's dyslexia when I was nearly forty. It had been the proverbial elephant in our living room.

From a Phase 1 point of view, this was tragic. Even in the Phase 1 world, enough progress has been made with respect to learning disabilities that this sort of thing shouldn’t be an issue now. But, in my dad’s day, it created “suffering,” not only for him but for subsequent generations of our family.

AN INSIGHT

About ten years ago, I remembered an incident involving my dad and my brother, William, when he had been about seven and I’d been about ten. My dad sometimes used to take one or other of us kids with him when he visited the sugar cane fields and cattle stations on the plantation and ranch that he managed in Swaziland. To do this, he drove his Land Rover for miles, sometimes through rough bush.

One day, when we were sitting down to lunch, my mom said, "Claude, where's Billy?" My dad turned around and said, "I don't know. I had him with me this morning. Oh gosh, I must have forgotten him when I was out and about."

No one said any more about it. My parents were amazingly casual about us kids. Mind you, even Canadian friends of my age tell me that, when they were kids, they would disappear for hours in summer. As long as they were home for supper by six o’clock, their mothers didn't worry. Be that as it may, when he was forgotten on that huge farm, Billy faced a walk of many miles in order to get home.

I remember a tired looking Billy walking up the driveway in the late afternoon. I remember my mom looking up and casually remarking, "Oh, Billy, there you are." I don't remember anyone making a fuss. I don't remember my mom running to Billy with outstretched arms and exclaiming, "Oh my goodness, Billy, you're all right!"

When I recalled that incident about ten years ago, it seemed to me that it was connected to Billy's intelligence. By this time, I knew about my dad’s dyslexia and his deep sense of shame about it. I remembered that my dad seemed to have been threatened by clever people. I recalled his habit of saying things like, "Don't be such a Smart Aleck," and, "You're too smart for your own boots." I also recalled how quick witted Billy had been as a kid and what a sharp sense of humour he had had.

At the time that I had this insight in 1999, my husband, sons and I were living in Melbourne during my husband's two-and-a-half year work assignment in Australia. William had emigrated to Australia several years previously. I saw William nine times during my two-and-a-half year sojourn in Australia. Seven of those occasions were weekends during which I participated in a series of self-development workshops that he ran.

During an early morning walk in the forest, I said, "William, I think Dad tried to kill you. Not deliberately, of course. I'm sure that, at a conscious level, it was an accident. I think Dad used to say, metaphorically, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is smartest of us all?' I think that one day the mirror replied, 'Billy is the smartest of you all.' I think that explains why Dad forgot you during his rounds on the farm."

William said that that indeed was the sense that he had. He said it was felt meaningful to him that another family member had recognised the dynamic and was acknowledging his reality.

A FOLLOW UP INSIGHT

Fast forward to May 2009, when I participated in a workshop called The Wall. It was run by a company called Excellence Seminars. Although it was what I would call a Phase 1 creation, I got tremendous value from it.

The agenda of The Wall is to assist the participant in identifying his or her driving needs. Armed with that information, the participant is equipped to identify his or her life purpose. The workshop is comprised of a number of exercises that help the participant to tease out those insights.

During The Wall it emerged that my driving needs were connection (with others and nature), understanding (in the sense of unraveling what made human beings and society tick), and recognition (for my accomplishments). One thing that mystified me, though, was why I had done so little to achieve recognition. If anything, I had gone out of my way to avoid it. I had married a man with a strong personality, and had lived in his shadow for 35 years. This did not jive with the hypothesis that driving needs are those needs that a person will fulfill no matter what.

On the last day of The Wall, I had an epiphany experience. I realised that the threat of death hadn't applied only to William, as I originally had thought. In one way or another, all four of us kids had received the message that it was life-threatening to be smart.

I recalled the period in August / September 2008 in which I had separated from my husband, invested in Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community in Nanaimo, and driven from Calgary to the British Columbia coast. I remembered the exhilaration I'd experienced as I'd driven westwards through the Rocky Mountains in gloriously sunny autumn weather.

But I also remembered the terror that I had felt. Yes, I had been afraid that I was taking financial risks during a period of my life in which it would be difficult to recover if my investments went sideways. But the fear of the potential economic consequences was not enough to explain the existential terror that I had felt as I had driven away from my old life in Calgary towards my new life in Nanaimo.

During The Wall, I realised that, in separating from my husband and creating a new life in which I would have an independent identity, with opportunities to shine, I had broken a taboo. A parallel example in mythology was Bluebeard's bride, who risked murder when she unlocked the door to the forbidden room in the castle.

No wonder I felt a level of terror that was disproportional to the risk I was taking when I moved to Vancouver Island. If you look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, the drive to stay alive trumps the needs for achievement, respect, creativity, etc.

DOUBLE WHAMMY

Now, if you think that was a dandy of a Phase 1 set up, it was only half the story. While my dad felt threatened by intelligence, my mom despised stupidity. I remember her saying in a tone of contempt, "Oh, for goodness sake, stop being so stupid!"

Actually, come to think of it, that may have been another reason for my mom's colluding in hiding my dad's dyslexia from the world. She may not have wanted anyone to find out that my dad was "stupid." In fact, my dad was very far from stupid. He was brilliantly innovative in the arena of agriculture, and later went on to become a consummate statesman.

But, to return to my story, I recall my childhood as one in which I walked a fine line. I avoided being clever enough to annoy my dad, and simultaneously avoided being stupid enough to annoy my mom. Wow, even from a Phase 1 perspective, I had to have been pretty slick to manage that.

Still, when push came to shove, the threat from my dad felt greater than the threat from my mom. I wanted my mom's approval, to be sure. But, if she disapproved of me, all that would happen would be that she would despise me. When it came to my dad, however, the worst case scenario might be death. That seems far fetched in the cold light of day, but I'm relaying how I experienced life as a small child dealing with a bad tempered man who appeared to me to be a giant.

THE PLAYERS TODAY

William's training has some similarities with Robert Scheinfeld's Busting Loose model. I did not make the ultimate breakthrough when I studied under William in 1999. However, I believe the work I did back then prepared me to be receptive to the Busting Loose model when I encountered it in 2008.

I’m delighted for William that his book, The Magician’s Way, which already is the best selling metaphysical book in Australia, will be available from Amazon on October 1st, 2009.

What about my dad? Even from the Phase 1 point of view, I feel as if I have come to terms with his memory. At times he was angry. But he also had some wonderful qualities, and I loved him very much.

Now that I view my parents from a Phase 2 point of view, I marvel at their Oscar-worthy performances as they enacted the scripts my Expanded Self handed them. Boy oh boy, were they ever supportive in locking in the illusion of limitation and helping me to pull off my Phase 1 Miracle.

In the storyline, my mom still is alive. My Expanded Self continues to hand her some "interesting" scripts from time to time. But she increasingly is playing that other role that our creations fulfill, which is to provide us with opportunities for fun in the Earth Amusement Park. There are occasions now on which I experience her as a delightful creation.

I deeply appreciate the creations called my parents. I also appreciate my Expanded Self, who created (and still is creating) simulations that make the Star Trek holodeck look amateurish by comparison.

Cohousing meets Phase 2

The Busting Loose model has challenged many of my original reasons for seeking out a cohousing community.

In a post entitled Chase River Cathedral on my cohousing blog, I described how I'd delighted in my first visit to the stream at the edge of the Pacific Gardens property and how strongly that allure had informed my decision to invest in the project.

But I also had seen cohousing as a cure for many of the world's ills. That had motivated my search for a cohousing community long before I'd gotten to the stream.

When I joined Pacific Gardens Cohousing Community, moved to Nanaimo, and immersed myself in the project, my knowledge and awareness of the ramifications of cohousing grew.

If you believe the world is broken and needs to be repaired, as I did in Phase 1, cohousing promises many solutions. I believed that cohousing had positive implications for social relationships, personal health, the environment and several other spheres of life.

But what happens if you start working from the premise that problems are illusions and that nothing needs to be changed, fixed or improved? According to Robert Scheinfeld, you live in reactive mode. You wake up in the morning, and ask yourself, "What do I want to do today?"

If you are startled at the prospect of living in reactive mode, you are not alone. The vast majority of the self-improvement literature and workshops I'd previously encountered had set great store by being proactive.

Well, be that as it may, I am practicing living in reactive mode. This morning, when I woke up, I asked myself, "What do I want to do today?" What I found myself answering was, "I want to go on the Cohousing Ride in the Earth Amusement Park."

Another way I sometimes picture this is that I'm a preschooler, and I ask myself which game I'd like to play when my friends and I pretend to be grown ups. So far the answer has been the same. I have wanted to play the Cohousing Game.

When it comes down to it, I appreciate my cohousing community more than I can say. I appreciate my fellow Pacific Gardeners, our property, our building, and my apartment.

I spent today where I wanted to spend it. I spent today with people with whom I wanted to spend it. I spent today doing what I wanted to do.

I can attest that today was a singular experience.

You have got to be kidding !!!

One of the most difficult things for me to believe about Robert Scheinfeld's Busting Loose model was his assertion that life was a game. He often refers to it as the Earth Amusement Park.

He claims that we are Expanded Beings with infinite power, infinite knowledge and infinite wisdom. Essentially he's saying that we are God or, if you prefer, god-like beings.

According to Robert, one day I was hanging out in Infiniteland, as he calls it, and mused, "Hey, I wonder what it would be like to be limited." I then created a reality in which I would be limited, and parachuted myself into it.

This premise is akin to the concept of the holodeck, if you're familiar with the Star Trek : The Next Generation television series. Through voice commands, Starfleet personnel were able to conjur up very realistic simulations into which they could enter. For entertainment, they could recreate a historical period and place that appealed to them. For example, I remember an episode in which Captain Picard popped himself into the world of his favourite fictional detective.

In the Star Trek episodes, Starfleet personnel knew that they were in a computer simulation. The simulated characters, however, believed that everything was real. When there was a threat in the storyline, the simulated characters genuinely felt themselves to be in danger, and experienced all of the emotions that went along with that.

Now, coming back to this world ....... To convince the part of me that became the Player in the Earth Amusement Park of my "handicaps," my Expanded Self had to make the illusion of limitation look extremely convincing. It takes very sexy special effects to persuade an infinite being that he or she is limited. That massively successful lie is what Robert refers to as the Phase 1 Miracle.

To pull off the Phase 1 Miracle, my Expanded Self plonked me into this alternative reality as a vulnerable baby who was dependent on others for food, warmth, mobility, emotional nurture, and so on. If the Phase 1 limitations were going to be locked in properly, the special effects had to be pretty darn good. My Expanded Self created adult care givers who "abused" me and "neglected" me enough to ensure that the part of me that was the Player in the Earth Amusement Park experienced psychological wounds.

I must admit that this is one of the concepts that has been most difficult for me to accept as I have studied the Busting Loose material. If I am to believe this, then it follows that war, murder, rape, torture, poverty, famine, revolutions, dictatorships, natural disasters, sickness, stock market meltdowns, unemployment, and all of the other so called "bad" things in the world are illusions.

At first it seemed absolutely crazy for an infinite being, who could enjoy infinite power, infinite abundance, and infinite joy to volunteer to experience pain. Why would anyone take on suffering if he or she didn't have to?

But, when I stopped to think about it, I realised that, even in the world that is familiar to us, some people volunteer to take on challenges that strike most of us as insane. Just watch the movie called Touching the Void, and ask yourself why on Earth anyone would want to do alpine mountaineering.

Even at a much simpler level, why have children always designed games in which they have created limitation? Why do they tie scarves over their eyes and play Blind Man's Bluff or Pin The Tail On The Donkey? Why do two people tie their legs together and compete in a Three-Legged Race?

I must conclude from all these examples that we human beings enjoy challenges. We'll even go so far as to create them when they don't exist.

As time has passed, I have come to accept that infinite beings are like us Players here in the Earth Amusement Park. Infinite beings also find fun in challenges. I have come to believe that they too take them on voluntarily.

The time eventually came for me at which that was the only explanation that could make sense of the human condition. Without that premise, I would consider myself to be in a crazy-making set up.

Back in my Phase 1 days, I used to say, half jokingly and half seriously, "Stop the world; I want to get off." If my belief in the Busting Loose model has done nothing else, it has helped to make it fun for me to be here.

Down the rabbit hole

My entry point to the Busting Loose material was an audio archive of a telephone interview with Robert Scheinfeld that I heard on one of T. Harv Eker's websites. That was in August 2008. At the time, I was trying to escape from a feeling of financial insecurity and powerlessness, and was immersing myself in Eker's book, "The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" and related workshops.

What Robert Scheinfeld said in the interview seemed to me represent a quantum leap that left the Millionaire Mind material in the dust. Robert's message deeply intrigued me. At the earliest opportunity, I bought his book, "Busting Loose from the Money Game." I stayed up late, and read it all in one go.

The book, in turn, fascinated me so much that I ordered the Money Game DVD set and watched it during a marathon weekend. By this time "fascinated" did not even begin to describe how I felt. I joined the Phase 2 Player Community website, and listened to the archives of the audio Discourses that Robert publishes once a month. Those hours and hours of Discourses still did not satisfy my appetite for information about the process for accessing Phase 2 of the Human Game.

Around that time I seized the opportunity to register for Robert's five-day workshop entitled "A Path to True Joy" in Sedona, Arizona in October 2008. There my understanding of the Busting Loose process expanded to some extent, I met some interesting workshop participants, and I delighted in the physical surroundings of Sedona.

Most of all, I enjoyed meeting Robert. He struck me as personable and sincere. I was impressed with how approachable he was. For example, his workshop was small, and he took his meals with us participants. This made it feasible to chat with him one-on-one.

From the amount of time and money I invested in absorbing Robert's teachings, you probably can tell that I resonated very strongly with his philosophy. Nonetheless, I found that embracing Robert's message required a leap of faith that was beyond me at the time. It was as if I was standing at the edge of a canyon and someone was asking me to jump across it. My legs froze, metaphorically speaking. Instead, I did it the slow, arduous way. I climbed down into the bottom of the canyon and up the other side.

Even after the significant level of commitment involved in participating in the "Path to True Joy" workshop, in many ways I continued to live in the Phase 1 illusion, gripped by its limitations, terrors, sorrows and frustrations.

But, somehow or other, I clung onto my faith in the existence of the True Joy state. Even during moments of despair, I implemented the practices that Robert advocated. I felt bound by the Phase 1 limitations, but I implemented the Phase 2 Process anyway.

Over the month of August 2009, a year after I'd first encountered Robert's material, I felt an expanding sense of having reached the opposite edge of the canyon, panting and perspiring so to speak. I do not feel as if I have reached the Busting Loose point as such. However, the bonds of Phase 1 feel as if they have loosened sufficiently that I have an unshakable faith that such as phenomenon as Phase 2 exists.

I now regard myself as a committed Phase 2 Player, even if I have not reached the Busting Loose point.